It is so helpful to know I am not alone. Thank you again. So much of what you wrote today are word for word on pages of my journal. The worst part of singleness is the shame thrown on you by society and the inability to bring the fear, loneliness, self-doubt, insecurities, anger, and sadness to light. It is only by being honest about those feelings, talking about those feelings, sharing those feelings, and praying over those feelings do they begin to lose their power.
Thank you for being brave enough to share on such a large platform. Those words needed to be said. Those words will empower. I thank you for your honesty. It is very much appreciated. Certainly taking the mask off. This includes church folks and family members. So tired of this question. Mandy, I can positively relate to your article. I wish I knew so I can correct it. Thank you for informing me that I am not alone.. You nailed it! No thigh gap here either. Thank you for being so vulnerable. Thank you for sharing. It truly was a blessing to read!
Thanks for sharing this with us Mandy, I really need it. Thank you for this post Mandy. Yes…we are definitely not alone. I think we all have those thoughts. I know personally, I have 2 or 3 different speakers in my mind telling me things. One says…be patient. One says all those negative things about not being good enough, meant to be alone, defective, etc. I prefer to listen to the first voice.
I was married for 13 years, so even though I had that, it was not love. It was verbally abusive. I did have children, which is such a blessing. I have worked on myself for so long and am so ready for a happy, healthy relationship. The one who fits and stays in our lives….? Thank you so much for your blatant honest Mandy.
Thank you for putting it into words. So caught up in my own loneliness and past mistakes and experiences I tend to think its only happened to me. I will definitely be checking out your blog from here on out. You open my soul and spoke my truth. How will you make a living? Do you have a plan for that?
Why in do women still need a man to validate or make them feel pretty? After being married for almost twenty years I enjoy my life to the fullest. It so refreshing to have no one to report to, no one to share with to just be selfish with me in a good way. I have discovered that what most women crave is a fantasy, some really crave sex, whilst some crave companionship but the best company that anyone can have and enjoy is there own.
The first step to enjoying singleness is acceptance and being ok with it. I actually make myself blush when I look at my reflection. I felt the way you guys do when I was married lol. I needed to hear that! I am trying to better myself and I do each day and accept myself a little more. Of corse it helps to better yourself bc it makes acceptance a lil easier.
Baby steps. Thank you for this. Made some very bad choices and decisions that have effected not only my life but my kids as well. They are young adults now but I can see the damage if caused them in my decision making. Single life is just what I feel I deserve my fears and insecurity is overwhelming majority of the time.
Thank you Mandy for allowing others to see and fully understand your pain. I stayed strong and walked away eventhough it felt like dying. And, yes, I am embracing the lonliness and processing …… I am scared.
Hi Mandy! I hope and pray you could read this, honestly this day you crossed on my mind. And when I tried to type in the SW website. Thank you for sharing this blog. Here:s the ugly truth about me : I wanted to loose 7kg for 45kg so that I can wear bikinis to impress my boy-friends, girl friends and other people. And when I achieve all of those mentioned above. I confessed all of these to the presence of God and you. Because now I feel that it is selfish for me to think of myself and my dreams.
Being single is not hard. Being married is hard. I have been single for the last 5 years I am 40 and I honestly think these have been the best 5 years of my life. Is it easy? Is it scary? Yes sometimes. It just comes with a different set of worries. I have been on both sides. Because your life has been what it is, you are a successful and powerful woman. Your voice is heard by countless amazing women and they look to you for words of wisdom.
So own it and love it for as long as this is your life. But know that it is hard…much harder than the single life. No one will love you more than you should and hopefully do love yourself. This has really helped me bring all my fears of being single to the surface. In the beginning I was cool with no lables and no categories, no expectations.. This blog really resignate with me and has struck a big emotional cord in my heart. Thank you for sharing the real raw ugly emotions of being single. Thank you so much for your honesty and for truly making me feel that I am not alone.
I appreciate your bravery in sharing your feelings. I am so happy that a stumbled onto your blog. The last month I have been struggling more than usual about my loneliness and desire to have a man in my life. It has been pounded in my head over and over that my desire to have a man is so unhealthy and that God is all I need.
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I miss being hugged and loved on. I praying and asking God to give me patience in waiting for my Prince Charming. Blatantly honest…a rare quality today. At a few years older than you, and while still raising a young son, I find myself in exactly the same situation. Then I realized that it was way more than that. Thank you for the inspiration, and I hope one day this norm will just vanish in vain.
Thanks for the article. I got divorced two years ago, it was a toxic relationship and he came out as transgender. Found that out through Facebook , it was safe to say that I had pretty much given up hope after that. Your article basically opened my eyes to the real truth of why I struggled with my self esteem for all these years and I thank you for that.
Love is painful and pleasurable. It looks beyond the physical to the soul. To love and be loved for who you were created to be not just a lie or concept of who or what you should be. I am 36 and looking singledom in in the face again. There has to be something wrong with me to make men treat me this way. I must be broken. Thank you thank you thank you!
After awhile my esteem was under attack. Thank you for being brave, strong and vulnerable by sharing your true feelings with all of us out there who may or may not be in the same boat as you. Almost all of my cousins are married and most have kids. I want to share the love in my heart with someone who wants to do the same with me. I feel like I deserve that when I have so much to give and offer. Why would God not want to bless someone with what I have to offer, and bless me with someone who feels the same way?
And I want to believe and trust that is true, but still single and no kids or marriage at the age of 39 really has me questioning things. I will continue to pray, not only for myself, but for every woman out there who struggles with being lonely and single. Thank you for writing this. I just turned 36 and have been single for the past 10 years. Still stuck on my high school sweetheart who has married and have kids. When your eighteen or even twenty-one you think you have your whole life ahead of you.
You think you have all the time in the world to get it right for everything to fall into place. You have to LOVE yourself enough and try to live life to the fullest everyday. Let go of the past and embrace the uncertain future. That is okay. I just never thought I would still be saying this same speech in my mid to late 30s. I just get sad on some days at seeing what others have and longing for the feel of what having a family feels like, even with all the fights and ugliness.
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I mean, for the most part, I do. I am very much a person that enjoys some part of everyday, but it is just hard to accept that this is my life right now. I never would have thought I would still be single at 38, living in an apt because I cannot afford a house on my own just yet. It is so hard to go through holidays alone and to want so much to go on a trip with a significant other, but know that it is not going to happen.
I am tired of putting up a happy face front so others are comfortable around me. To me, being single SUX. But, being in an unhappy, toxic relationship is far worse. I at least have my beautiful dog, Sadie Jane. I am grateful that I came across this blog where I can be honest and say what I am feeling without judgment of the people who have what I long for so much. Thank you,. Ever since I was 16 boys always made me feel like they can do better than me and I ways lady to other females.
Now that 24 going 25 and men still make me feel the same way. I had one real boyfriend and he treated me horrible for 3 years. I been single since the break up. He makes everyone feel special but me. My friends are married with kids so I barely have anyone to go out with. I have been feeling really down. I have been cheated on in the past and the great love of my life said he never wanted children or marriage I finally left him alone we would break up and get back together and as much as l loved and wanted him I could not endure anther break up after seven years. I have sad ever day since and my other two serious relationships one left me and married the women he left me for the other was also never get married and he is also married.
Even though it hurts so bad I have to believe that God has someone for me that will not cheat on me or be controlling and verbally abusive. I also have no kids am an only child have no nieces or nephews. I feel really out of touch with others because most people have all these things thanks for letting me vent my frustrations.
But I am alone. I literally have no friends and have no idea where to even begin to make any. I feel …. This seriously made me feel not so alone in my singlehood. I think we all have flaws. And a real person with real interest in someone will look to help each other see its only what they see themselves in regards to flaws.
Real people see flaws in each other and if they can deal with them, they will love each along side them. Two exes call me and I hooked back up with them hoping to be involved in a healthy relationship but instead I got a phone call from the both of them with the girls saying they will not be calling me again. I needed this today. So any update from the people commented in or from the blogger herself? I would love to know what you guys have been up to? Are any of you happier now? Enjoying life after spending time alone?
Or did you managed to really stay single for almost a year? Did you really allow your time to heal and date yourself or have you dated anyone? Or now in a relationship? Or maybe hurt again? Have you moved on? How was it? Any achievements? Thank you! I am so sick of People saying you dont need a man! Sick of hearing you need too love you before you can love any one else! We all want to be loved! I LOVE my self!
BUT I feel bad for my self! I have lost the love of my life ,,Been cheated on…over looked …and criticized…. I am jealous…. My fear is never finding the right partner,never having another baby and in a way completin my family. I have one son but I always wanted him to have his own sibeing to grow up with. No boyfriend throughout high school. Married at 19 to a guy I knew only 5 month. Divorced 9 years later at At first I relished singlehood and independence.
Likelihood of marriage at my age is very slim. Irritating to say the least. Widowed 10 years ago and it was like you read my mind and heart. I have all those same feelings every day. I was married at 18 had my 1st child 5 months later and second child in the same yr I then had my 3Rd 2yrs later and my last 3yrs later, in them yrs my husband had two affairs resulting in 2 children, I tried to divorce him on adultery but he wudnt be honest,so I let him divorce me on unreasonable behaviour I just wanted out, I then married again a few yrs later I knew he liked a drink but not to the extent.
Im 48 and I have vowed to stay single till the day I take my last breath. Sorry but been thro hell over 30yrs and too much hurt,heartache and my wall is back up.
But the loneliness is annoying. Thank you for this, made me smile. Oh my word, girl. You are exactly what I longed for forever. There are gentle, caring men out here who want to know what you need. And want to fulfill those needs, and want someone to cherish. After being taken for granted for 25 years, I almost gave up, too. But after 5 years of looking, and hopng against hope, I found her six years ago. I cannot put into words how happy we are together.
God listens to your anguish, and God will deliver. And I am no fundamentalist Bible-thumper. Those people put me off. And then it will only make sense in retrospect. It has been A very hard life! And my loneliness and depression has caused a lifetime of alcohol and drug addiction! It is the only way I can make thru this ugly life of mine! I thought I was the only one That God has forgotten about! Bad Things have always happen in my life! I will be glad when my life is over! Thank you for writing this and NOT pretending that everything is cheeky and wonderful.
After all, isnt that kind of fakeness what keeps many out of the Church? Im My husband left me and according to stae marriage laws, it takea two to marry but one to divorce you and I have no legal right to stay married. What a crock. It has devastated my, destoryed my life. I have no Biblical right to ever remarry and have no children so I know my cross is to bear these things. I pray everyday my husband will come home and for his salvation. Its so messed up. I struggle every single day and cannot tell you how horribly dreams and lives are broken through divorce. Singlehood sucks. I so needed this thank you for your comments.
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I have also started to feel very disheartened…. It hurts, it is hard! I just know they feel my sadness sometimes and I wish they didnt! First of all, i like your writing style. And i just read that beautiful, heartfelt story…i am like you. But i am just younger, And i never remember my being beautiful. But he was too for me.
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Anyway i am sorry i have no self respect or self esteem or etc.. What would you do? For example when i have my hair cut, i cannot look at the mirror. Maybe i should commit suicide.. Sucks so bad. Thank you so much for posting this. I had a relationship my senior year in high school and that was it. Am 36 now. Years of viewing myself as abnormal not because of the dating stuff maybe attracted some very unhealthy people around me, but they always took off pretty fast too. I am trying to love myself more, but it is difficult when no one is interested…hence, repeat vicious cycle.
Not saying our problems are the same, but just needed to vent honestly. I feel like your writing my life story. Every word is perfect. My life ugh!! I think the worst part of singleness is that constant cloud of sadness hanging over your head. It has to do with a jumble of thoughts that have been rolling around in my head. God wants us to take action.
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Stop waiting for the right guy to just show up at church, the coffeeshop, etc. Nope, I have to make an effort to meet people. Same goes for datinvg someone. What am I doing to hinder my relationships? Let Him lovingly discipline and correct me through conviction from the Holy Spirit. Is there something I need to do?
Joyce Meyer tells of a woman whose life was at a standstill. She stubbornly brushed it off, but finally, she realized it was the Holy Spirit speaking to her and she forgave her sister. I plan to stop and really listen to God about what I need to do in order to move forward. God means for us to have joy in all stages of life. We need balance! God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. I was so close to being engaged earlier this year. We picked the ring, he put a deposit on it. I was crushed. I wanted a husband a little baby — my own little family.
It was ripped from me in an instant. Especially since all my friends are part of a couple. It just hurts. So badly. What a great article!! Why are they so lucky and when is my turn coming? No guy ever approaches me, I laugh, I smile, I am friendly and honest and nope all the compliments come from women.
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I feel you, Mandy. When in actual fact, I feel lonely, depressed and hopeless. The thought that I still have not given myself to a man means I am truly ugly and a loser and a piece of dirt. God is cruel how can he love me if he made me ugly and unwanted. He wants me all to himself or he is the only one that loves me what a complete jerk he is. I hate this I hate this so much. I feel like screaming! My one true love dumps me. So what is wrong with me? I am a CBT therapist yet struggle to even practice what I preech. I thought I had found someone, someone who would be a great partner in life.
He has is own fears and let those fears take over the relationship. I fear that I will be alone forever. I live in a small town in a rural part of Idaho. I like where I live however, I fear that by staying here I will be lessening my chances of finding someone because its so small and the man-child capital of the state. I fear being left again, I fear being left and I fear I will continue down this road of dating misery, forever!
I creating my single life destiny, a self fulfilled prophecy? I am single 36 yr old woman. I am extremely shy and introvert. I am scared and overthink everything. I thought i was pretty but now i understand i am not. I am obese, very short, with thinning hair, pot belly, an overbite , bulbous protruding squinty eyes and a teeth gap. My father and brother r alcholics and i have lived watching them fight and abuse my mom and sis in law. I am over qualified. I have a postgraduate degree and dictorate and a high level job.
I believe i dont deserve to be on top. These r a few of the reasons why i am single. I feel sad and hurt and ashamed when i see my neice and nephews getting married and having kids. My life sucks. I came across this article and said…wow! I ask myself every day or so, why did God leave me alone? I am so angry sometimes I could scream!!! I read somewhere that serial killer Charles Manson married while he had been incarcerated, yet there seems to be no one in the free sane world for me? There is light at the bottomless pit of singleness for me.
For those singles who want a family, take a deep breath and let it go, along with the burden of being single. Create your own story that does not end with you dying alone. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! I get so tired of the have faith phrase.
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I have faith. I have even tried dating sites. Trying to figure out what have I done so bad that has cost me ever having the love of my life…even down to questioning does GOD really love me? I mean the Strongest desire I have right now is to be married. I am praying for GOD to take that desire away. I wanna be free from it if it is not his plan for my life. The hardest part, for me, is not being single.
I can actually appreciate certain moments of my singleness now. Like the weight I no longer feel waiting on some guy to call or show up or make me feel worthy. And those days of playing detective, only to uncover the ugly truths I never really wanted to face, are gone.
THAT is the hardest part about being single for me. To have had love. A great love.
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An unconditional, honest, pure, and beautiful love. And to have been too young and stupid to have appreciated it. They say if you have chemistry you only need one other thing: Timing. But timing is a bitch. So here I am, single. Not at all how imagined my life would be at I imagine I could have been happily married with a kid or two by now. Instead, I chose to walk away from the love of life. I guess I thought I could do better. I was only 19 when we met and 27 by the time I ended things. I thought I might have been missing out on other options. I wanted to know what else was out there. That was my biggest mistake and if I could go back in time and take it all back I would.
In a single heartbeat. Enough to know that my soulmate is the one man I left behind at Even though you were standing beside me, you were never there for me. Nowadays, forever ends when you find someone better. There were days when she burnt herself for the sake of fake people and then one day you turned her heart into ashes. Depression, Breakups, losing a loved one is a stage of life-changing. Sometimes treating some people like stair steps is a way to move on.
The worst missing is missing your old self. A lot of you cared, just not enough. Breathing is hard. When you cry so much, it makes you realize that breathing is hard. Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you. As the light begins to intensify, so does my misery, and I wonder how it is possible to hurt so much when nothing is wrong.
Somewhere in my heart, I have a hope that everything would be fine one day. Sorry is never good enough. Everything was just like a fairy tale until you pushed me out of your world. What do you do when the only one who can make you stop crying is the one who is making you cry?
It hurts the most when the person who made you feel so special yesterday makes you feel so unwanted today. Sometimes you just need to erase the messages, delete the number, and move on. I agonise over it, ponder it from every angle, deny it. Funnily enough, my schoolmates are not prone to such navel-gazing: queer, fag and gayboy are part of my daily background noise. I can practically conduct an academic study on the rise, fall and resurgence in popularity of particular homophobic slurs among teenagers. They make a strange sort of sense, like listening to a foreign language and recognising some words as close to your mother tongue.
I assume all foreign movies contain at least one gay subplot, so I stay up late one night to slug bleary-eyed through a three-hour French movie about a retiree and his dog. The bullying gets worse. No one thinks any of these remarks are strange. This is just the way things are, and, anyway, everyone seems to be mostly in agreement. I grow more anxious and the anxiety feeds the loneliness and the loneliness feeds the depression.
I know real gay people exist, but they exist in the abstract way that gravity does: irrefutably there but invisible. Then, everything changes. With a creaky, 56 kbps dial-up internet connection, my small room, in a small town, in a small country, is suddenly connected, via a whirring phone-line, to the world, and I spend my time, hours upon hours of time, in gay chat-rooms.
I tell guys in France, Texas and South Africa things those who are physically closest to me do not know. I talk to BloodyValentinex, who lives in Connecticut. Anything to feel close to intimacy. The idea of a relationship with a man may as well be another planet: one in those outer galaxies that are light years away. A few teenagers perch on a wall watching the well-meaning volunteers.
Vote no! Would I not spend a decade incapable of opening up, drifting away from my family and friends and anyone who knew me before I went to college? From the comfy retrospect of 16 years later, I ask myself what I was so afraid of, but I know the answer immediately. I was scared of the very real threat of physical violence and I was terrified of losing everyone around me if they knew I was gay — a fear, essentially, of real, true loneliness.
I really, really hope so. No one should have to go through that. I live abroad in a liberal city and my job is unstable but fulfilling. I have loved men and men have loved me. But if everything has worked out so well, why do I feel I missed out on so much? Name with editor. This week on the Life pages we will be exploring loneliness from every angle in our series All The Lonely People.
We want to hear from readers about their experience of loneliness. Are you lonely? Have you ever experienced feelings of isolation? What has helped you overcome those feelings? Email your stories to lonelypeople irishtimes. We may use some of the stories in print. Please indicate if you would prefer to remain anonymous. If you have been affected by these issues ALONE is an independent charity that works with the 1 in 5 older people who are homeless, socially isolated, living in deprivation or in crisis.
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