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Of course bdsm is consensual and thus not on the level of these atrocious crimes, but it certainly reflects similar psychological impulses that are at root of these very real tragedies. I'm sure the warmonger Henry Kissinger would also be found to be psychologically normal; normal is still somewhat sick when you're in a sick society. That's the point. Once again, sex between two people without whips and chains and torture is portrayed as boring and vanilla, and we're told that BDSM is the real kind of loving, trusting sex. Being tied up and whipped, it seems, is 'real freedom'. Are we next going to be informed that if a woman doesn't want to be dominated, she's not a Real Woman?

Sorry to disappoint, but we have no chains or whips we do have a few leather belts and duct tape and boy, do we enjoy our vanilla lovemaking. Our relationship is based on exclusive monogamy, total transparency, trust and communication. I do not enjoy humiliation or degradation and my Master would never inflict those things on me.

We actually appear completely vanilla to the world and that is the way we want to appear. But mostly, we are just a couple madly in love with each other. Hi pashasbaby. I could hug you for your post!!! As much as I am happy to see that BDSM is being presented in more of a favorable light, it seems as if they only focus on "bedroom kink" or scenes.

I have known many who are actively invovled. As with your relationship with your Master, most couples appear vanilla to outsiders. There are subtlties that no one may see in the way the Dom or Master may communicate to His sub or slave in body language, a simple look or a gesture. I'm single looking for someone to make a relatioship as both of you have and I hope to find a sub like you one day.

Thank you for sharing this, I wish you both increased happiness in your future! I fully see your point Jen. This has gone to far when people make such comments. I think they are still unconfident about their desires and have a go at ordinary people as if their way was the only way when it just isn't true.

Please bdsm people be reasonable about this. Some of the stuff one reads is just crude. Jen Open your mind. Think outside of regular vanilla sex. I am a regular mom. My kids do sports, make good grades, we go to church and we goevery Sunday. Some kids are in college, one married and a grandchild on the way. I am 43, with a husband in a very successful career. I own my own business. We make good money. Yes we are both into BDSM.

No I never feel degraded and used. I have some do and don't s. What might be a don't for me might be a green light to another. Because you don't like that kind of lifestyle doesn't mean it's slavery on me. We have vanilla sex every now and then. And I m not talking about a kiss at the door. We have sex more day then not. Is that bad? Your husband would probably like to have some rough sex with you.

Have you ever asked him what he would like? If you are a all uptight he wont tell you the truth. My husband is great at being dominate which is a huge turn on. He protects me. He stands up to me. He is the leader for me. It works for us. Why should she open her mind and think outside vanilla sex? You assume that because you like bdsm you are further on? Normal sex is great and a lot of people don't need bdsm like you do. Really this defence of bdsm is kind of turning into a distasteful attack. If you don't want to try it, then don't. But don't knock it until you do! He is so incredibly gentle and loving with me when I give up the power to him that way.

In my daily life I am very in control -- I make hundreds of decisions a day, and my career is very analytical. I run the household, too, and all the myriad decisions that go with it. My only job is to give and receive pleasure. The intensity of it is something I can't even describe in words. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with vanilla sex. I don't like characterizing people who don't care to engage in BDSM as boring or plain.

Sex can be incredibly exciting no matter how you go about it -- even holding hands can be erotic. But I just want to add my voice to say that a little bit of BDSM play mixed in with our other sexual interaction adds electricity that sparks all of it. Even our everyday nonsexual interaction is better, because of the "trust fall" we do together in the dark. It's really lovely. Don't condemn it without trying it. It's a very experiential thing -- the emotions that go with it truly don't emerge until you put yourself into the situation.

My husband and I have been together 27 years. We have wonderful vanilla sex as it seems to be referred to, but have always been open to experiment with positions, places, and such. After reading fifty shades I realized that I had a desire for more. Not necessarily full on BDSM but definitely more experimenting than we had done. Shame, fear,and a misunderstanding of BDSM made me afraid to ever voice my slightly kinky thoughts.

It took me awhile, but I asked my hubbyi if he was willing to read fifty shades with me. He agreed, probably because he had heard at work that other men were really enjoying having their wives read it and he was curious. It has created an environment where both of us have opened up about our deepest darkest desires and our needs and fears more honestly and openly than ever. We are a bit nervous about the what, where, how; but we know we will incorporate some style of 'play' dates into our married life It's a nervousness of anticipation, not fear. We always said that good orgasms themselves teetered on the rim of pain and understand that while some people enjoy increased pain, we are not looking for that, but do not judge those that do.

We have found out now,just discussing it added some toppings to our vanilla. I believe that this article had done a very good job of presenting an objective, informative overview of what the vast majority of the bdsm community is all about. The central theme of honest, open negotiation and mutual respect leading to much greater intimacy than that experienced in most relationships is right on!

The idea that the "submissive" is really the one who had the final say is accurate and in direct contrast to the popular conceptions of bdsm relationships. This article provides a much more realistic presentation of the fundamentals of bdsm than fictions such as "50 shades". Jay Wiseman's BDSM is am excellent primer for those wanting to know more, and "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" is a good follow up for those seeking more details and specifics.

I'm an older male and have been exploring bdsm for about 7 years now with both men and women. I have a post graduate degree in Counseling and experience as a professional counselor. Since I retired I have let myself explore realms that would have put my job in jeopardy had I done so while working due to the prejudices common to the field at that time. Even since the "normalization" of bdsm by the research leading up to the DSM-5 and the diagnostic determinations made there, there is popular and undeserved stigma present against those who practice bdsm.

My own experiences have led me to many friendships with the most open minded and respectful people I have ever encountered, and marriage to my soulmate, who is my wife and mistress. Our communication is uninhibited and honest to a degree I have never experienced before. The relationships of the friends we have made in the local bdsm community are the same in many respects, especially in that they are based in mutual respect and trust.

Openness, honesty, and acceptance of divergent perspectives are far more common than in any group or category of people I've ever encountered. Opinions, perspectives, and belief systems are rarely suppressed, which, in my opinion, is why those involved in this lifestyle are found to be less likely to have serious mental health issues than the general population.

I've seen very little bigotry or prejudice in the community and those that exhibit those traits are not respected and find it difficult to find friends if they don't get the message that their behaviors and opinions are not acceptable. People of any sexual or gender orientation are accepted by all those I've encountered. There are a wide variety of specific types of relationships and kinks that come under the umbrella label of bdsm, but they all have the underlying theme of trust based in mutual respect. Within some universal guidelines and exclusions, the philosophy that "your kink may not be my kink, and that's OK" is a standard to which all that I know as friends subscribe.

It is pretty universally recognized that every relationship is unique and the details of it are best determined by those in it. Those that disagree with this perspective, especially if they are critical or intrusive, are usually not respected themselves and find it difficult or impossible to get along with most of those in our local community.

I applaud the psychological community in general for being open minded and willing to objectively re-evaluate such potentially "hot" topics as bdsm.


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Since my first comment we have attended a munch, joined a 3 million member website and learned much, including the fact that a little pain can bring a lot of pleasure for many, including myself. My daughter is a psychologist and asking her questions about the lifestyle in general safe to do since 50 I was so happy to hear that the psych community has a much better balanced and fair view than you seem to have had in your career.

Progress indeed, as changing the DSM does not always translate into changing minds. Thank you for sharing your life experience, increasing our comfort with our choice,and adding to the conversation. I actually had sexual relationships with gay BDSM men who were completely straight with me and there was no "playing" I am not into BDSM at all--and find my sex life very satisfying. However, when anyone finds out that I am friends with people in BDSM they immediately try to start "working" on me.

A lot of men I meet find my personality very dominant and expect me to dominate them. A lot of men I meet believe the hype about women as submissives and try to "work" pain and control on me into their fantasies. My problem with heterosexuals who claim BDSM is a wonderful way to live is that they dont understand how to respect other peoples boundaries who do not want to "play" with them. Please stop calling people who are not into BDSM as plain or vanilla. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a painless and less complicated way of having sex with anyone.

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The range of activities that fit under the umbrella label of BDSM is huge and varied, and does certainly include painless and uncomplicated ways of having sex, or not. Sex is not necessarily a component of BDSM activities. There is nothing wrong with being vanilla or having simpler desires than others, and in fact the vast majority of people in this country do.

But, conversely, those who choose to spice up their relationships, in whatever way they voluntarily negotiate between themselves, have the right to do so. The people and behaviors you have described would not be tolerated in the groups we belong to.

Respect of the limits and boundaries of others is not just expected within the communities we belong to, it is a necessity for them to continue to attend functions and not be "black balled" by those they are hoping to fit in with. Sure, there are people out there who try to take advantage of others against their will, both male and female, and, whether they choose to use the label of BDSM or not, that is the difference between abusers and those dealing out of mutual respect.

I feel like post of these people defending their vanilla sex lives are interpreting the word vanilla as derogatory. It is probably the least offensive way to say average or normal. Which IMO would probably cause more of an uproar. I can see it now! Will you read the posts from others and initiate yourself with the subject, then with your non objective contribution prove to us that we don't have to live in the closet.

Just my 2 cents. BDSM is dehumanizing for the sub and brutal, and it feeds the worst in the dom. Eve, when I was 14 I was raped by a boy I was dating. In that moment, I was degraded, hurt, humiliated and dehumanized. Even if he's spanking me with his hand, crop, paddle etc, if his hand is on my throat, or any myriad number of other things I won't get into at this time. What is the biggest difference between these two? And as the article stated, communication.

If you asked any sub if they felt dehumanized, degraded or disrespected - I would doubt you would find one with an affirmative response to that question. Because consent, and explicit communication regarding wants and needs are critical to all relationships but BDSM especially.

My Dom is a wonderfully sensitive man, who is also wonderfully harsh with his hands, crop, paddle, etc. I fully agree with you Eve. Humiliation punishment and the like do not appear in my marriage. Nether does sex outside of marriage. BDSM is not right in itself. Everything depends.


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You can have immoral bdsm, cruel bdsm, perverted bdsm. Let's face it. Not that I don't have any kinks within my marriage but that is not to say that everything under the bdsm banner is good. It certainly isn't. I am a psychology student and before reading this, I got all the distorted conception about BDSM from the media. Thanks to this article, now I got a bigger picture as of what it is all about. It's a whole new level at looking at it now. I am glad i have come to this page from google, thank you very much. In a feminized world,men become more dominant in the bedroom and failing to being a real hero in the world.

How many of these 'dominant' men are actual leaders in the society. I wonder if a real alpha male would consent to a BDSM lifestyle. The only way I can see a true dominant is with a real guy who acts as a leader in his life, but that's almost machine like, without having such an individual open up to you to his most personal sensitive side.

There ought to be a balance. To be shown as a female that you are wanted only sexually and not emotionally, just feels like your being used, actually. As a toy. I obviously can't speak to the experience of others, for myself, my partner is somewhat introverted except when it comes to our BDSM dynamic, whereas I am quite extroverted and an Alpha type. For me, I don't feel used as a toy- our dynamic is a release for me where I do NOT feel the need to be in control of the situation and I prefer him to express his Alpha side.

I believe that our society has become feminized to the point where men feel they need to walk on eggshells for fear of being persecuted for the crime of possessing a penis. In fact I love it. As women, we forget or refuse to acknowledge the we do inherently have a need to be possessed by our partner at our base. There is nothing shameful or anti-feminist about wanting to be needed by a man. To be desired at that base level. I have a similar experience, Tany. My partner is a good man, secure in his masculinity, so he doesn't play alpha games with other men.

He is low-key in public life, but very dominant behind closed doors. I believe it gives him a greater sense of control after a chaotic day. On the flip side of the coin, I am the head of household, have a job with responsibility, and a small child. I am buried in a mountain of red tape. It is a relief to be able to hand my well-being and pleasure into the hands of someone I literally trust with my life, and know that for a few hours I do not have to be in charge.

My current partner is my second wife, and I cannot put into words how in love we are, or how compatible we are. I cannot think of a single person I would rather spend my time with. While I have a colourful and extensive sexual history, she did not. She allowed her last partner to abuse her and honestly believed there was something wrong with her for not wanting sex.

The first time I slept with her she orgasmed and cried afterwards because she honestly thought she could not orgasm. Three years on from then and she now loves to be spanked, held, choked very lightly , tied. Look after herself which she did not do in her last relationship and 2. When we first started sleeping together the first thing I had to teach her was how to say 'No' to me. I had to explain, for example, that I did not expect head jobs, she felt that she had to give me head jobs because I went down on her every chance I got.

I asked her if giving me head turned her on, and she admitted it was a huge turn off for her and she only did it because she felt 'Guilty'. Not because she has too, but because being able to make me shudder turns her on! A few months back we were at a dinner party where a few couples were joking about how bad there sex lives were since having kids. My gorgeous sub said nothing, but just gave me a little smile with smouldering eyes, sadly there was a 'Baby sitter emergency' and we had to leave the party early The earth shattering orgasms are just a bonus.

The guy is trying waay too hard and why is it that all of his analogies are stereotypically male and inapplicable anyway? Besides - his sole preoccupation with 'pain' - ignores all sorts of 'sensation' play I know, this is pop-science, and as such one has little to no expectations in terms of rigorosity, but this article is especially stupid.

Starting with its various unsubstantiated assumption. For one the study of sexuality and sexual arousal, and what can elicit it, cannot be studied in isolation from its evolutionary background. Various sexual strategies across species, especially highly social species such as ours, may have very different results in terms of reproductive success.

This in turn will lend itself to selection. If this is the case, considering the particular behaviour and self-reported at that of a particular sub-set of the population in question confers little to no reliable insight as a default. And continues by applying value judgements in regards of it. Very bad science indeed. The article also has little to no grounding in neuro-cognitive science. In turn this will involve the sexual strategy one employs unconsciously.

One does not need to colour the picture in order to accept it as it is or try to change it in as much as possible at a societal level. These do not follow automatically, for they are moral and utilitarian considerations, not scientific. Besides being hetero-normative and monoga-normitive, this article consistent conflates "bottom" and "submissive" as well as "top" and "dominant". Critically, however, it falls prey to the tired old myth that the bottom is "in charge" because they have the ability to end the scene at any time.

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The top can also end the scene at any time! Does that make them both "in charge"? It's like saying that one partner is in charge of the tennis match or the dance because they can stop it at any time. BDSM scenes, like any other interaction, is best when all the participants are getting their needs needs in a fully consensual way.

Ya know, it reveals a lot when people feel compelled to discuss what their sex lives are like. Most balanced societies acknowledge sex, have sex, and get on with their lives. People who need to promote it, exhibit it, rhapsodize about it, form clubs for it, demand special attention and favor for it are clearly, just from this need to get everyone's attention, mentally imbalanced.

They are emotionally delayed or stuck-they are like the child who feels everything he discovers is "new" and wants to be watched and praised. But grown adults needing and demanding constant attention, wanting others to be amazed at their sexploits older than the hills clearly describes undeveloped personalities and emotional retardation. Michael Castleman, M. He has written about sexuality for 36 years. Disabilities never preclude great sex. Many people have regrets about their first time.

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Back Get Help. Back Magazine. The New Science of Sleep Experts suggest ways to correct the habits that keep us from resting well. Subscribe Issue Archive. It sounded like just what I wanted A thousand butterflies fluttered in my belly. Summoning all my courage, I He had a tiny rubber dress for me to wear.

With some effort, I squeezed myself into it Then he undressed and made me suck his cock! I did my best. It took a while, but finally he came, blasting hot spooge down my throat. I managed to swallow every drop. I thought I'd pleased my new master, but He hit really hard, and I was crying after only a few minutes.

I bounced and squirmed and sobbed! Then his wife entered the room, wearing leather straps and an evil smile Stop spanking the wench! Lets 'ave a look She's sopping wet from her spanking, she is! Mmh, wot lovely nipples she 'as Let's 'ave a taste Now that they're all nice an' hard, let's see 'ow they like these toothy little clamps! The pain from her evil nipple clamps was so intense it brought tears to my eyes! Bu then she I did my best, and I thought I'd pleased her, but I've seen more enthusiasm for washing dishes! I think we're going to need a little object lesson in proper slave attitude!

Come, Harold, help me tie the wench to the floor! I was helpless But when I sow what she had in her hand, I knew I was in for it! If I hadn't been gagged , I'd have begged her not to do it! Whan she worked that monster into my poor little snookie, I thought she'd rip me apart! It hurt terribly at first, but then as the night wore on i drove me wilde! I came and came and begged for more! What a night! Those two kept me up till down, fucking me, whipping me and fucking me!

I was sore for a week! Not that I'm complaining Feeling braver now, I responded to another personal ad. It said "Mono-bend: automated bondage bliss! When I showed up at the appointed time, the room was dark. A woman's voice from the shadows told me to strip. When I was naked, she stepped into the light She was a woman of few words.

She told me where to stand, and began to tie me up Her ropework was very precise and meticulous, but before long I found myself helpless, completely at her mercy. It made me very wet. The ropes were so tight I could barely breathe. One last rope was placed between my teeth. I'll be over here watching you. When I think I'm ready for what? With the rope in my mouth, I couldn't ask her. I hung there a bit Then taking a deep breath, I let go of the rope! My boobs bounced as I bobbed in the air, all the ropes pulled painfully tight. My clit began to throb. Then I noticed the sound of electric machinery firing up beneath me.

A huge, spinning, buzzing dildo rose out of the platform I was scared, but there was no escape! When the thing started drumming against my pussylips, I had no choice but to line it up with my hole and let it in! In it went, whirling and pounding like a jackhammer! Then the whole bloody platform started pivoting towards me! I struggled I'd never been fucked like that before! It overwhelmed my senses! In no time I was wailing like a banshee! And it just kept going And I kept coming Half an hour later, when the woman turned it off and took me down, I was exhausted, delirious with pleasure We licked and I heard the sound of a zipper.

I was SO ready!! The three of them took me then, one after another! The ripped my panties right off! It looked like they were going to fuck me on the spot, but they tied me up and took me to a deserted shack. Once they had me there, I was theirs to do with as they pleased!

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It was a horrific situation, yet somehow I found myself getting very aroused. When one of them put his fingers into me, he discovered how wet I was. The all had a good laugh! I was mortified I screamed, but it was a deserted stretch of road and no one heard me. Of course, I struggled, which just got me more and more excited. During the night, one of the men came over, his pants open and his half-erect cock dangling like a big, juicy frankfurter.

When he took off my gag, I knew just what he wanted When I'd swallowed every drop , I was so hot If I hadn't been gagged I'd have begged him to let me come! When I finally did come, it was mind-melting!! The guy may have been a cheap thug, but he sure knew what he was doing with his tongue! I guess you just never know. Bloody hell, these guys are non-stop sex-machines! I must have a gallon of jism in me, and they're still going at me like lust-crazed animals!

Whatever they've been eating, I hope they've got a truckload of it! Something was up. This doesn't look good! They've taped my hands so I'll never be able to free myself! What are they planning to do with me? The left me lying there for a long time. I hear a truck arrive ouside the shack, the voices talking quietly.

What was going on? There's someone else here! And it sounds like he just counted out some money! Christ, are the sodding bastards selling me?? It seemed as though that's exactly what they'd done! Money changed hands, and then I heard the kidnappers drive away in their big car. I was alone with a stranger. What did he want from me? I struggled desperately to work my blindfold loose Was he a killer they'd hired to dispose of my? Or just a very cautious guy who'd bought me for a shiek's harem or something?.. Bloody noisy and uncomfortable!

Where is he taking me? And why am I getting excited?! And after he hosed me off, fed me and dressed me Bloody right! Look at this place He took good care of his new slavegirl, bathed me, fed me, brushed my hair. But he wouldn't let me have his cock! Here we go again!

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He's going to beat my bottom until I'm so wet I can't stand it, and then on to the next torture and no cock! Why, oh, why won't he fuck me? He's driving me crazy! What's wrong? All my darkest fantasies were fulfilled, and that was just the warm-up! He tortured me with whips, straps, clamps , hot wax, electricity, tight bondage, and worst of all, he wouldn't fuck me!.. Encased in tight leather, dangling in mid-air, vibrators in both my scoodgie and my ass , I came big-time!!

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After I recovered consciousness, I begged him with tears in my eyes to please fuck me! I even admitted the terrible truth You know I will! Now, for god's sake will you fuck me? The answer was swift and sure! Evidently he'd been holding back until he'd revealed himself. Or until I'd gotten horny enought to beg! I quess he needed the assurance that I would be his slave of my own free will before he could fuck me.

Now that I'd agreed, he was hard and ready to go! As for me, after two days of teasing, I was dying for his cock! As if I weren't excited enough, he put nipple-pegs on my tits and a huge penis-gag in my mouth! Then, after lowering the shaft I was bound to, he began fingering my hot, wet tooky! He was driving me crazy! I gyrated against his fingers shamelessly, like a cat in heat! It wasn't until he started working his wet fingers up inside my tight, puckered rectum that I realized where he was really going.

Then the pos retracted into the floor, leaving my with my bum sticking straight up in the air! I stuck it out for him as best I could I was bent over, well-spread and totally defenceless. It was only then that he unzipped his trousers, and I caught my first glimpse of his cock.