Total madness. I constantly wonder what I was thinking. I constantly advise 2 things to young girls. First, like you, have your children young and my second is do a vocational degree, something with a clear job identity, like nurse, accountant etc because getting back into the workplace is so much easier. Especially part time work that pays ok!!
Good points and thanks for adding your thoughts to the conversation, much appreciated. Ok this Mum of Six has to have her say! I had my 6th at We conceived first try as were all the others. I have one fallopian tube after an ectopic preg at It never hindered us. We had healthy pregnancies and all the children are healthy and normal. My only problem was antibodies in the last pregnancy from a blood transfusion I had when I was having my first at I am a complete advocate for late pregnancies if you desire a child!
I would have had more! My mother had me at She is 83 now. She is independent and happy in her own home. There are many things in place for the elderly in the community and being the independent soul she is, she is happily using them all to her amusement! My husband had the opposite experience entirely. His mum was preg with him at Ended up having an affair after another child and left his Dad!
There are so many reasons NOT to have a child younger! At least older parents are settled, better educated and wealthier. You have fab genes! I hope I will be like your mum, hale and hearty in my 80s and enjoying life as much as ever. Just adding my 2 cents. I had my first at Second at I am now almost 36, oldest will finish High School next year and be grown. Did I have my struggles? However, oldest is secure in who she is. Been on honor role for 3 out of 4 yrs of High school, has a job, loves her life and independence.
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I am not sorry. It made me grow into my responsibility to her. For sure. And now? It is not about financial resources after a point. It is about parenting.
The end. Kids grow well enough without being spoiled.
Mine have. They are amazing. So now I get to spend my 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond traveling, showing them the world. Which is beyond worth the sacrifice of having them very young. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I am 55 now and my kids are 22, 19 and twins are I am very concerned, especially for my oldest who has special needs… what if I die at 70, who will look after him, or even 80!! Mum died in January and I miss her every day and am glad I was mature when she passed away… I have to live until I am for my kids!
Hello Jody — I totally agree with you. I had my babies at 36, 37 and Sure, I wish I had them earlier, but it is quite useless to wish such a thing. I am tired, but I recall being tired in my 20s as well. I look after myself a lot better than I used to and at just 50 feel good. Sleep is the biggest key for me. Having children, especially my twins, made me learn the importance of early nights. Thanks for visiting and for sharing your thoughts. I got quite weepy reading this. Those hormones… but I was thinking what a great Mum you are telling your kids that because I totally agree with you.
Such a typical parenting moment. Reading travel stories is a great way to have a wee mental holiday. Will be popping over to read your Zimbabwe posts very soon. Glad I got to experience life before I had kids. There are pros and cons to both sides. I shudder to even think of it. Life is never black and white. Heh Soshi, great post. Yes, it took me a long while too to get my head around what sort of a fella was good for me. Not the mad bad and dangerous to know type, the sensible souls who is there for the long haul we hope!
Yes, you were lucky with that fertility… and I know you know how lucky. Knackered is the word… am off to bed right now myself. I know how you feel about having them young and having them old! My sister in LA just turned Anyway…as I was saying… we have this new baby coming into the family which can only be good news however children born to parents of this age are most likely to never even know their grandparents, let alone have grandparents around to help them.
Yes, so much to ponder and be concerned about for our own children. I really regret that my kids never had their extended family around them, and would love them to have the benefits of willing grandparents. I was only thinking about this today, what the optimal age to have kids is. I had my first at just 27, and now, at 42 with a year-old, it feels pretty good.
But I feel quite old mothering my 6- and 4-year-olds, and was doing the math just an hour ago with my husband. I will be 56 when our youngest turns So late 20s was a good time for me to have a baby, but I would also stress to LIVE and fit in lots in your 20s, before you have a baby. I stared down the barrel of a childless future for a lot longer than many do. And what a happy ending it has been. So, I type this now with my 2 year old twins sleeping quietly beside me.
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Instead, I get excited! Would I do it again if it was the only way to get the same result? But I also recommend study, career and travel, travel, travel before you do pop out bubs because all of that becomes a hell of a lot harder as you know apres children. I love being an older Mum though, I am content, mature, I can handle it… I dont miss the corporate jungle… and my parents are still young enough and healthy enough to enjoy their young grandkids….
Blimey, what a journey you have had and how fantastic that you have twins, two little people. I just found myself nodding all the way through as I read your comment. So very glad that you have your family now, safe and sound, a happy outcome after going through the fires you did. Thank you for sharing your story. Thanks Seana! A boy and a girl no less!
Very well said Seana!! Your story took a lot of guts. I had my last at 37 after 3 years of IVF and miscarriages. I am also so much tireder with my little ones than I was with the older ones. Me too! I was piggybacking the twins around this evening and wrestling with them — my poor old knees.
They have no idea the pain they put me through. I thought I was having my first menopausal hot flush, but it was just the effort of carrying a big 7 year old upstairs! My mum had my brother when she was 20 and in her first marriage in the late s. By the time my mum married for the third time, at the ripe old age of 36 to a man my dad 10 years her junior, she really thought she was done with kids.
Of course the younger husband wanted to be a dad. My mum was 38 when she had me and 40 when my sister was born. In the s that was OLD!!! My sister and I were oddities amongst our friends to have such an old mum. My mum complained about it all the time which really had a bad effect on me in particular. I felt unwanted. That she only had us for my dad.
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She wanted a career and a life outside of having children. She loves us and always has but knowing all my life that having us seemed a condition of her marriage to my dad has always made me feel sad. I always wanted to get married and have a family. I divorced the addictions and have since given my life to raising my boy, who will turn 5 years old not long after I have my 39th birthday in 11 days.
I have a lot of single friends in their late 30s and 40s who keep waiting. I tell them to go it alone if they really want to have kids. Get a donor sperm if they have to. One friend waited until she was 46!!! Despite being almost 39, I am one of the younger parents at our daycare. I think times have definitely changed and women who have kids in their late 30s and early 40s are not so strange as they were in the 70s.
But the physical challenges are still there. My mum hates that now at 77 yo, despite being in good health and looks great too! When my sister has her second child it will be even harder. Over zealous spam.
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So many good points, and you clearly understand your mum even though it must have been tricky at times and sometimes hurtful when you were little. Of all the problems that families can have, ours are pretty minor. I would have so loved the kids and I to have a grandparent around to love and to love us all, ours are so so far away.
But again these are the facts of our lives. His drinking killed him in the end and he was in a sorry state, poor man. I have my own demons and the drink is one of them. We have a lot to talk about at the next bloggy conference. The universe is against me this week. Thanks for this post. However on the flip side my boys have experienced caring or putting up with grandparents only yrs. My 17 yr old went many years until 12 with full on everything till ASD dx explaining the resulting behaviours.
Thanks for reading Angela and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I think you were wise to get going 10 years before I did… my son with ASD turns 17 in a couple of weeks, and I just turned 50… and the twins will soon be 8. But like you, I have grown and learned through my experiences, and am a much better mum than I would have been: look for the silver linings. My son at 17 is pretty happy and busy, so glad he has two years at school still as I am sure that we will all miss the structure school gives him.
Alas some of us have no choice. One of my best friends was in a similar situation. Finally met someone at 40, married at and then spent several years trying get get pregnant IVF and miscarried several times before deciding to use donor eggs. She just gave birth to her first child at Yes very true. I was lucky to meet my husband when I was 31 — seems very young now. My first pregnancy at 24 was a blighted ovum, my oldest daughter had a birth defect that led to open heart surgery.
We were told it was a random gnenetic fluke until after we were pregnant with our second two years later. I did everything right with my first born and was so healthy and had natural childbirth with no interventions. I was 28 by then and 31 when my third daughter was born complication free and healthy but for a small hole in her heart by then they decided it could be a genetic link but it grew back I consequentially and they are all healthy beautiful girls.
Despite having two strong, health conscious parents my girls lost their dad to a glioblastoma brain cancer. He was 41 and it was one year ago. Now I know that what is important is living the life we are given and finding the blessings along the way. Mostly letting go of the illusion that we can control it. I now know life deals so many things we cannot control and it is a waste for any of us to live with regret or think another way would have been better.
Almost a year ago I lost my husband after watching him suffer the most hellish end. And yet I feel blessed with what I had and what I will have. Forgive yourselves and relax and embrace the gifts in your unique circumstances. We only get one life and each is so very different; we cannot judge nor advise. Hello Seanna, thanks so much for getting in touch. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. And I completely agree with your ideas that we all need to embrace the life we are given … and that judgement is not helpful … and giving advice too in so many ways.
Three years ago our beloved next door neighbour lost his life to cancer, a devoted husband and father of three young children. His death had and continues to have a profound effect on we neighbours and friends… for me, I learned that life is not in our control and that terrible things happen, that we must keep talking about people who die… and that life is to be lived each day, never taken for granted. I searched online for anything online to help me justify my recent decision and thankfully came across your page.
I am grateful to you as it has helped me in a way with my grief. My story : I married and had my two Daughters at 24 and 26 , beautiful healthy girls , great pregnancies and births … lucky me! Sadly my husband and I divorced and after 15 years being a single mom I met an amazing man 11 years older than me. We moved in together with our 4 kids ; my two now 17 and 15 and his 16 and Mother Nature however had other plans and at 41 I went to the doctor thinking I was going through menopause , surprise of my life finding out I was in fact pregnant.
Of course a part of me was happy ; but fear gripped hold of me as I started to ponder the reality of our situation. My partner would be 53 when the baby was due and I would be My partner was supportive; but was certain a baby was not what he expected at his age and that he never felt he had toddler energy anymore.
He would also be almost 70 when baby was 17 …. A few agonising weeks went by and we made the very heartbroken decision to terminate. Its been two weeks now and I am still going through immense grief and loss. Oh Kirsty, thank you so much for sharing your story here. I really do feel for you and am sending you so much love. Decisions are made, and then we have to live with the good parts and the bad parts. I am sure you will feel up and down, regret and relief, for the rest of your life.
But the decision is made and there are many reasons to be comfortable with it. So at our stage of life we still have so many responsibilities and for so much longer. Our lives are about to change a lot. But here we are and we need to get on with it. I am comforted by your words and appreciate your understanding and non judgment of me.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation right now and really hope that things work out financially for your family. Thanks again Kirsty. I have just recently made the same heartbreaking decision. We made our decision based on what our heads were telling us, but it has been such an emotional few weeks.
I feel so raw. Hi Seana, thank you for your post and comments. I am about to turn 39 and have a 3yo girl and a 6mo boy. Yes I am completely blessed, and still I find myself contemplating that third child, much earlier than I contemplated the second. Partially this is to do with my relationship being less than satisfactory. I wonder if it will be possible to have a third, and whether we will stay together or whether I will go it alone and all of the scenarios — good and bad — that may go with that. My mother had me — an only child — at 40 in Back then it was very uncommon.
She has been a great support but does not live nearby, and will be 80 next year so cannot help me as she would dearly like to. I should be helping her! It is much harder and relentless without that village. I certainly feel my age in the middle of the night when I have to get up and breastfeed, and as I said to my partner 50 our children could well be bringing their partners home this Christmas if we had had them young! I had a blighted ovum inbetween our children, and we also separated for a while, so there is nearly a 3 year gap between J and her brother.
All of that aside my children bring me SO much joy. I have friends that had children young and those children have life-threatening issues. I know young parents that have discovered crippling degenerative illnesses in themselves which can be hereditary to their children. My mother herself gave birth to a healthy little girl at 40 while the 17 year old in the bed next to her had a DS baby. Life can be cruel and it is certainly not fair. We have to take joy where it comes, and not live in fear. I hope your financial situation improves as I know well how stressful that is.
Though I agree with a FEW things that you and the respondents say, this subject can come across as being mean and one-sided. I naturally conceived and had my 1st child at 40 after thinking that I would could not have children. However six months later I conceived my daughter. I ended up weighing over pounds at one point in life.
But after having weight loss surgery at the age of 37, at 40 I was in better condition because I no longer had those comorbidities. My pregnancy was healthy, even though my daughter came three weeks, early she was healthy, and yes you are tired but my issue is working a lot of hours, and still attending college, and time maintenance. Let me add that I am also a single mother. My daughter is happy, smart, and is just like any other child. I still desire to have another child.
I believe that God is in control of every pregnancy and He will take care of every baby and mum. Like I said I had my grandfather until he was 92 years old and I was 39 years old. He was my father. He raised me with my grandmother and Mom since birth until my grandmother died at the age of It was just he and I. My daughter has been a blessing and I cannot imagine my life without her. I have friends who are in their forties and have not had children yet but have that desire. I could never say these things to them that I have read on here. Like I said, in some of these posts and in this article, there were some good points made but there are some very healthy forty year olds in this world and people who are more mature and more settled who can handle the challenges that comes with being a parent.
This was a wonderful post. Thank you for your honestly! I find myself pregnant naturally at 41 and by the time I have the baby, I will be I am terrified as this was not planned. Meds weakened my birth control. Needless to say, I have some of the same sentiments that you had. I have just been able to find balance in the home life that we have and I fear adding another will complicated it all.
My husband and I are blessed with 3 children already. We have successfully blended our family. We travel, and date and have time to be the best partners, parents and people we can be because we have balance. Being older pregnant and raising a child seems crazy! Now I am faced with moving forward with all of those challenges or terminating the pregnancy with good reason health The docs say that I must consider both although it is ultimately my decision. Hello Laila, you are certainly not the only woman to find yourself in this situation, others have left comments and emailed me direct too.
Very tricky when you have a child with ASD already too, as stats are higher with older parents, esp dads…. My son with ASD is almost 21 and our twins coming along meant so much less time to assist him, and less patience with him too and I am sad for him for that. What can we do in life though? I so appreciate the response and the support! How are you doing on your journey so far? You are correct. This is indeed very tricky for me as and my husband and I must consider the family as a whole. I romanticize the idea of having this biological child with my husband but I fear the challenges that will come.
Especially the health risks for myself and the baby. Just a year ago I was in the hospital getting blood transfusions and several procedures done because of an ongoing health issue. Now pregnant?? He is doing so well with the support he is getting from us now. But it takes work to keep him on track. A LOT of work and money we pay for a supplemental program to assist him in school How will having a baby change my support of my first born? How fair is this to him? How will this change my marriage? Do I have the energy? Will this cause further damage to my health?
Will I be well enough to take care of a new baby and my existing children? Does a biological child even matter when you have already built a beautiful family with 3 beautiful children?? I thank you again for starting the conversation and being transparent. One never knows who or where their experiences and words will touch. You have surely touched me and my story and you have definitely giving me things to ponder. My husband and I met at 19, got married at 24, then started trying at We tried for 2 years and then found out my husband had a micro y deletion and could never have children.
We tried for over a year, then were told we needed IVF. We had to save for over a year for IVF, now age To start something at 28 and people telling you, you needed to hurry and have kids when they had no clue what we were going through was devastating. Now both my husband and I would never have biological kids, we started researching adoption because by now we both had gone on and got our Masters degrees and were making good money so we could afford it. Our doctor said we could find a sperm and egg donor and I could still conceive for half the cost of adoption.
We have one more embryo that we will use this year at age I wish my circumstances were different and we tried early. I may tell my daughter to freeze her eggs early :. Many women having kids later in life was not my choice and others must be understanding and empathetic to that circumstance. Thank you so much for writing, I have tears in my eyes reading your post.
You have been through such a long journey to parenthood. I am so very happy for you that you have children now and happy for them too. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. Does anyone realize there over 1, American children living in foster care? Provide a home to existing kids that are longing for one rather than stressing out over trying to desperately conceive! I convinced myself that it would be wrong of me to have a child for a barrage of reasons.
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